Get off my A#%!!!

You ever been around that person, that complaining guy, the one who you pretty much drone out 'cause you know all they're gonna talk about is how the world sucks? News flash, the world does not in fact revolve around the space you yourself are inhabiting, so get over it.

Before I explain what prompted this outburst, I just want to preface by saying that I'm an asshole. Born and bred. I know I am. I'm told I am often enough. I even have a trophy stating this fact. I have no problem with this. Au contraire, I'm loud and proud about it. What does this have to do with complainers? Well, part of the "thing" that makes me an asshole is my ability to pick a fight with almost anyone. And pick it well. I argue with the best of them, and I poke holes...big holes...in almost any theory you want to throw at me.

So complainers...complainers to me remind me of activists (and hippies). And vice-versa. Don't get me wrong, I love a little bit of activism. Let's save the planet/community centre/Tori's tits. Ra hoo to all you who go the extra mile. The ones I'm talking about are the extremists (the fundamentalist Christians of the bunch). The guys who take everything just that extra inch too far, and too personally, thus taking them out of my "listen to them seriously" range and moving them to my "make fun of them, heck, pick a fight with them" target area.

So this morning we're sitting around and reading the Xtra and there's this 38 year old lesbian who writes in and complains about dykes who wear fake facial hair and pick up gay men in bars. She pretty much lambasted them, saying they set the gay movement back years, made lesbians untrustworthy, and their actions mock the "sexual freedom" that her and her older counterparts worked so hard to set up for the rest of us (where can I line up to thank you, oh gay saviour).

You know what I have to say to her?......."lick my nuts lady".......

This is exactly the type of lesbian I want to get into a room and strike up converstion with, you know, share my opnions about how women should really just be barefoot and in the kitchen. And if they could please stay away from "man" jobs, they'd be doing everyone a favor. I mean, we wouldn't want straight people everywhere to think women are men would we? That is, in effect, part of what she's saying right?

My favorite part of her uber-crappy letter was:
"By the by, there are quite a few women who have spent quite a few of their elder years dealing with - for them a big deal - facial hair and rape by men only to have some young women now blow that back in their faces by promoting mustaches and strap ons. This is not only a shake up in their lives but, if young dykes promote it, a shame and a reason to stay underground with their pain". Can you believe this? Let me guess, it's also the world's fault you're dull in conversation and don't have many friends?

Yes, people like this exist, a walking talking letter writing reason that stupid people are put on this earth for entertainment purposes only......and as instruments for fates random acts of "Holy Shit"ness, but that's a topic for another day. (by the way, from this letter, I'm gonna gather that our complainer is a rug eating walking carpet herself...keep up the good fight! don't let the hair win Chewbacca!)

So what do I have to say (besides the request for a nut licking) to our wooly friend? Get over yourself fuzzy. Last I checked, your bearded face wasn't on the Canadian dollar for pioneering the gay cause. So you don't want to put on fake facial hair and a strap on and act all butch, good on you! And let me guess, you'd rather stick to your button up flannel, your too tall bad jeans and your workboots. Way to go. Would you feel the world would be a better place if all the younger newer dykes began working towards a better gay Utopia, where women only slept with women, the short hairs with the long hairs, sex toys left at home in the closet, next to any sense of personal identity? You'd like us all to be you eh shaggy? There's sexual freedom for ya.

In your honor Yeti, I'm gonna go that extra mile. I'm gonna go out, throw on a strap on, shave my face until it grows a full beard, find 100 gay men and make them lick my fake nuts. And the whole time I'm gonna shout your name, letting the world know it was because of you, because of the extra mile you went, because of your pioneering ways, that I feel okay with doing exactly what I've been putting off all these years. Thank you, you hairy gaymo. This, this is freedom!

FYI SECTION

Words for hairy (some used, some not)

bearded, bewhiskered, bristly, downy, fleecy, flocculent, fluffy, furry, fuzzy, hirsute, lanate, pileous, piliferous, pilose, pubescent, rough, shaggy, stubbly, tufted, unshaven, unshorn, villous, whiskered, woolly

Hee hee, you said flocculent...