But I'm Good with my Hands!

Ah, the days of my youth, wasted and forgotten, sunk like old roots in a muddy terrrain that I can no longer navigate. Why the sudden need to wax poetic?

It's the 35th year of my life, and I am currently unemployed. There is nothing quite so humbling as searching the wanted ads for employment and realizing you aren't very qualified for anything. Even the paint store requires "paint mixing" experience. Does mixing it in my living room with a stick count? (i think not).

Where are the golden opportunities? The easy manual labour? The stepping stones to my newfound career? I've never applied for so many research studies in my life, convinced that perhaps my calling is to become a professional test subject (if only the aliens paid more, I might be rich).

Do you remember back when you had convinced yourself that there was plenty of time and many opportunities waiting for you, so feel free to just...enjoy yourself and take it as it comes. Sadly, I still practice that ethos, ever aware that it is exactly what got me into this predicament in the first place. The difference being (other than age) that now I do so in order to keep myself sane.

So Mr. or Mrs. eccentric millionaire, you know who you are (mainly because you're reading this right now) I am here ready and willing to be your jester, your transcriber, your muse. Call me, we'll do lunch.

Edit!

In light of my Holli winning this year's Hell' Kitchne, I feel that perhaps I was a touch hasty in choosing her to be in my five.

So she's bumped.

And replaced with Miri Jedeikin. yup, I feel good about that choice:



(you can follow Miri on Twitter: http://twitter.com/mirithejedi)

A Rose By Any Other Name...

In honour of the Pride celebrations last week, I felt it was time to post my annual 5 women I'd love to spend the night with list. Oooo, ladies of the world, perk your ears, finally the list you've all been sleeplessly waiting for.

Still, as little as my opinion might actually count, it's still important that it be done. Why you ask? Simple.

Lists like these, done by people like me, are more than just a quick jotting of hotness and it's place in one's pants. No, these lists serve as a meter, a line drawn in the sand, of what is considered worthy in our present day society. And as societal beliefs, standards, and lessons continue to evolve and shift, I am there to draw my part of the line. It's a "community" thing.

Oh who the hell am I kidding, it's self indulgent mental masturbation. Enjoy!

5) Holli Ugalde - If you have no idea who this is, then you haven't been watching Season 7 of Hell's Kitchen. Bedroom eyes, and can cook. Can you truly ask for anything more? Here's hoping she also knows three languages and how to undo a belt with her foot.

4) Emily Haines - Singer of Metric. You still have it. And yes where once you were number one, now you are number four. I blame that on the fact that you spent years at number one and not once did you call me. Down the list you go.

3) Mariska Hargitay - Ah my TV girlfriend. You continue to radiate and I continue to stare every time you grace my screen. Sure you've slipped a spot, but that's simply because where once I felt like SVU was playing with a thinly veiled rumour of your characters sexuality, now it is as blunt as a rock - Olivia is straight. We get it.

2) Olivia Munn - My inner geek shines through as this newcomer slides right to the second spot. This has been the year of Munn. When I first saw her on Attack of the Show, she didn't quite have me. Sure she's clearly hot, and into gaming, I still felt myself holding back, not wanting to commit simply out of band-wagon jumping. She sold me as soon as she appeared on the Daily Show as their new correspondent. Her piece on the Arizona Immigration Law-slash-traffic cameras, pure genius. I hear she's got a sitcom on the way and also wrote a book. Here's hoping neither of those change my mind.

1) Tina Fey - Welcome to the top Tina. It's been a long time coming. More than any other person on this list, I want to spend the night with you. And I do mean spend the night, as in go get food, maybe see a show, perhaps watch some bad tv and google weird things. If we have sex, bonus. But the reason you're on top is because I feel like even without sex it might end up being one of the best nights ever.

And that's it kids and kittens. See you next year.

In the Presence of Greatness

You may not be a fan, you may even scoff, but to some of us, standing in the company of idols is still worth mentioning. And yesterday I finally got to stand mere feet away from one of my fave owners of skin, Milla Jovovich.




Yes, like most, I first became aware of her by looks alone. And then came the fantastic display known as the Fifth Element. But my final step of respect was taken when I heard her music.

So to all you naysayers out there, before you go all "gimme a break!" on me, check the stats and the full history before making judgement. And to Milla, hats off to you.

And just like that, the draught was over.

Finally there is no doubt in the world's mind that Canadian Women KICK ASS. So we've finally found ourselves on the medal podium twice in the last 24 hours. Actually, three times to be more accurate, but twice for Women's Wrestling (one gold, one bronze). Kate and I were watching the ladies go at it last night and it was an exciting moment. I had no idea it would be so much fun to watch women greco-roman wrestling. Okay, I had an idea, but I'm talking more from am athletic standpoint. Turns out, Canadian woman are good at wrestling. Not that this surprises me...I've wrestled enough times (all in the past my broken arm assures you) and I've seen enough of my fellow female Canadians wrestle to know we apparently have a Thing for it. Turns that thing can translate into some Olympic gold. Way to go girls.

Shout out also to the men's rowing double that got us a silver.

HUYNH Carol - Gold - Wrestling Women's Freestyle 48kg
CALDER David, FRANDSEN Scott - Silver - Rowing Men's Pair
VERBEEK Tonya - Bronze - Wrestling Women's Freestyle 55 kg



Lookit her, doesn't she just bring a tear to your eye?

Day 5 Still No Love

Day Five of the Olympics. Not One Medal. Togo has one. For Canoeing/Kayaking. I'm pretty sure we Should be beating TOGO at canoeing/kayaking, seeing as this is Supposed to be one of Our sports to win this year. Nope. I am a ball of Olympic annoyance. Micheal Phelps the American swimmer has more medals than we do all on his own. Thank God the Ukraine only has one bronze so far. Makes me feel a little better. Especially since I watched women's synchronized platform diving last night, and watched as the two Canadians went from Third place with two dives to go, to Fourth with one to go and then ended in Seventh. You can imagine how patriotic I felt at that moment. Just like you can imagine how sarcastic I'm being right now. My entire Olypics experience this year has been a lot of "it figures". I'm rooting for Mexico (who, by the by, got the bronze at said platform diving event...yay Mexico!).



Paola Espinosa and Tatiana Ortiz from Mexico take a bite at the Olympics for me.

I Miss 1984.

Do you remember when Canada used to be a contender? So I'm an Olympics fan, always have been, probably always will be. During my 33 yrs. of life, I have gathered vast memories surrounding the Olympics. This year being the first year that I'm not working (and an adult) during the Olympics, I've had more time to watch than usual. I've also had the luxury of taking time to assess my memories surrounding the event.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that the time between my childhood and now has somewhat shifted my expectations of the Olympics, more specifically of Canada in the Olympics.

When I was a child I remember watching with baited breath as our swimmers cut lines through the water as the "Ones to watch" and our rowers dominated the field. Even our track and field competitors were feared. We actually had a team worth cheering for.

Slowly though, over the years, it seems that something left our summer Olympics program. Perhaps it was funding. Or a sudden drop in the talent pool. I don't know. What I do know is that I now watch the Olympics simply for a good time and not so much to cheer on my own team.

Did you know that this year we don't even have a women's gymnastics team? Unlike Brazil, Italy, or the Ukraine. When did the Ukraine start pumping out more athletic power than our much loved True North? 'Cause the Ukraine have only been in 3 summer Olympics as an Independent country. And all three times they scored 23 metals.

So what about the Ukraine? Perhaps they area good vehicle for comparison. Population wise they technically have about 15 million more people at their disposal, but still. I'd like to think what we lack in population , we should be able to make up for in our country's wealth. We are considered one of the wealthiest countries in the world, with a high per-capita income. The Ukraine is just getting over a market shift that plunged most of it's country into Poverty. And yet, it will be expected that they will outperform us this year. Again. Easily.

As I write this, I am currently watching the Olympics. Canada is getting trounced in water polo by the Spanish. It is day 3 and the magic of the internet has allowed me to lookup standings and info from not only the current Olympics, but Olympics past as well. (ps I love the internet). Knowing full well that the Olympics have ballooned to events I haven't even heard of, I thought perhaps I might have missed some moment of patriotic pride as we bagged our first metal in synchronized water baby juggling or something.

Turns out, we don't have a metal yet. Not one. 67 metals have been awarded already. Uzbekistan has one. Croatia has one. Italy has four. Canada, zilch. Thankfully, neither does the Ukraine.

So what do I want? I want 1984 back. In 1984 Alex Baumann made me cheer. Alot. Victor Davis helped him dominate the waters. We had cyclers, divers, even boxers who won medals. We left with 44. 44 medals. (In the last three summer Olympics put together we had 48, just to add perspective). Sure, it may have had something to do with the 15 or so eastern bloc countries (including the ever monstrous USSR - which at the time included our nemesis the Ukraine) that boycotted the games that year, but it felt good! I want 44 metals dammit! 1984 was a good year for us!

This year isn't looking so good. I've heard that we can expect some gold from our boated water sports teams and singles. I hope so. 'Cause I think it'll be a new low for us if we even come close to being skunked. In 2004 we got 12. Let's just hope we don't go down from there.

I guess in the end, it's not really about who wins or loses...until the upcoming Winter Olympic which are on home soil in Vancouver. 'Cause if we don't win and win big then, then I'm unofficially becoming a Ukrainian citizen...at least during the summers. Me and Alex Baumann.

Sure am Glad I Don't live in Iran...

'Marry or be fired', Iranian state firm warns
Tue Jun 10, 3:59 AM

TEHRAN (AFP) - A major Iranian state-owned company has told its single employees to get married by September or face losing their jobs, the press reported on Tuesday.
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"One of the economic entities in the south of the country has asked its single employees to start creating a family," the hardline Kayhan daily reported.

The paper did not mention the name of the company but the reformist Etemad newspaper said that the firm is the Pars Special Economic Energy Zone Company -- which covers Iran's giant gas and petrochemical facilities on the shores of the Gulf.

"Unfortunately some of our colleagues did not fulfil their commitments and are still single," Etemad quoted the company's directive as saying.

"As being married is one of the criteria of employment, we are announcing for the last time that all the female and male colleagues have until September 21 to go ahead with this important and moral religious duty."

Sexual relations outside of marriage are illegal in Iran -- for the most part a traditional society where young people normally are encouraged by their families to marry in their 20s and swiftly bear children.

The country is also in the midst of an unprecedented moral crackdown which has seen tens of thousands of women warned by the police for dress deemed to be unIslamic.

The directive -- signed by the head of security of the "Pars Special Economic Energy Zone" -- also used some of sayings (hadith) of the Muslim Prophet Mohammed to encourage employees to marry.

It said employees' contracts will be annulled by October 22 if they are still found to be single.

The giant energy zone of refineries is located on Iran's southern coastal energy hub Assalouyeh where temperatures reach 50 Celsius (122 degrees Fahrenheit) in summer, hardly a place for families.

The workers are usually young males seeking to earn a good income and the decree appears aimed at making them marry to ensure they eschew sexual temptations during their stay away from home.